Letting Go

So, I'm not going to go on about how I'm really going to be more present on the blog, run more, eat better, generate more followers and all that stuff that I sometimes think, but then run out of time for. I'll just say we can all see it's been awhile. No judging.  Update: Kid #1 now a senior in college, Go Hawks! and in the Army National Guard. Kid #2 now a sophomore in college, Go Big Red! and Husker Flagline. Kid #3 now a sophomore in high school. Time is flying and I'm just trying to keep it all together. Here goes!

As I was listening to the ever present NPR/OPB in the car, I don't even really remember where I was going, probably on the way home from a run with my friend or to work or on the way home from the farmer's market on Saturday.  Anyway who ever was talking, I wasn't really paying attention, was answering a question about having children and being a parent.  Her next comment really struck me.  Of course, I'm paraphrasing because I'm terrible at directly quoting people and I was driving.....  She said, 'the moment you are presented with this baby, this small person, however they come to you, from inside your body or adoption or foster or any of the ways that children come and make us parents, from that moment your life becomes an exercise in letting go.'

That just stopped my brain right in its tracks. How true, how so very true, these are the words I have been waiting for, I didn't know it but I was. It was like my whole life as a parent was crystallized in those words.  Every decision regarding my kids that I have made over the last 21 years had just been validated. In my eyes anyway.

To be clear, I'm not often looking for validation regarding my life decisions. Although I do appreciate these small gifts of reassurance in my life. I'm well aware that things I do and say are sometimes not anyone else's cup of tea.  I'm a direct communicator which seems to be a dying art/quality/characteristic and I'll just leave it at that.  I know that people find me harsh especially when it comes to my kids. Maybe I'm just saying what they're all thinking.  Now though I believe it is the result of this constant letting go, so maybe I can stop shaming myself about it.  I'm my own worst critic and wonder often if I've made the right decisions, if I should have been more of a touchy-feely mom? Honestly though, kumbaya is not my mantra, more like suck it up and move on.

My rational always was and I think still is that we - my husband and I are trying to prepare them to survive in the world on their own.  To advocate for themselves, to problem solve, to compromise, to live a good life.  I've always told them that I want them to grow up to be kind people, who work hard, that other people want to be around.

We have always maintained that we are not trying to ruin their day when we give advice or make suggestions but are trying to give them the benefit of our experiences and more so our mistakes.  I'm pretty sure we all do this because while we are trying to let them go we're are also trying to spare them any hurt. With new found clarity though I now see that the pain, self doubt, regret is part of the process, part of the growing.  Its what forms you and shapes you.

Now, I am finally beginning to see that this whole life of ours, us as parents and them as kids is all about separating when all along we thought it was about holding on. Staying with a sitter for the first time, going to school, every first sleep over, riding in someone else's car, walking the dog by themselves, staying home alone, setting out on their bikes to God-knows-where, pulling away from the house with a van full of friends heading to the beach. These were at first small separations for us building our trust in them and their abilities, and at the same time huge steps for them going out into the gigantic world outside our little family doing something they had never done before! Now the tables are turned with my husband and I taking the big scary steps of knowing that they have these lives away from us both geographically and emotionally that we cannot be a part of in the way we have become accustomed. We can only know what they give to us, glimpses into their new worlds.

Its hard to be objective when it comes to your kids but what I most want for them is to be happy and I know that's what everyone says. I guess what I really mean is having no regrets in the decisions that they make whatever they may be.

So as much as we pray, hope, long for the best, because seeing them make a decision about classes in college or a new job or a financial miss step hurts our hearts just like when they used to skin knees, sprain ankles and lose their favorite blanket, so much as we want to keep them from being hurt, it is about the letting go.